spiritual journey of a pilgrim

Who am I?

pilgrim — Thu, 07 Jan 2010 05:09:35 +0000

i hate myself. i know i am but a pile of miserable hypocrite. yes, in front of the public, i wear a mask of elegance and sweetness. but deep down in me, this real face of mine, is chaos. i fight so hard of getting myself together. but this sin in me, causing me to fell badly. along this years, i felt that the darkside of me is getting closer to the gate. it is almost emerging to the surface. i fear, i fear that i will lost myself to the body.

deep in me, i am someone else. he is a person of pride, talented, yet evil. he loves and crave for evil desires. he like things that is pleasing to his eyes. and he only love himself. proud, sarcastic and malice. everynight, i will transform into him, imagine the wildest things which is displeasing to Him. O… You have created a her. but she wants to be him. such pain, such struggle, such confusion. forgive me O Lord. this path is hard. when i look into the mirror, i saw him, yes, slowly emerging, slowly influence me.

help me O Lord, for i do not want to become him…..

No turning back

pilgrim — Thu, 07 Jan 2010 04:50:58 +0000

the year 2009 is a year where i experienced the spiritual ups and downs. overall it is a wonderful year of exploration of who i am. but God is a faithful God. His eyes is never shifted from me. Thanks to His Grace when i see mom accepted Him, and willingly to go through the sacrement of baptism. It is just beautiful.

nevertheless, as for myself, i have learnt a new great skill. i pray that this passion will not be misused, as am easily to be distracted by self-justification and pride. may the year to be a year to look ever forward, in this relationship with You, to draw closer, to be more discipline in seeking You through Your Words, and learn LOVE.

Humble! Humble! Humble!

pilgrim — Tue, 27 Oct 2009 01:16:44 +0000

Deep in me, there live a dark creature, lurking and attack whenever there is an opportunity. Whenever this dark creature is released, it will take hold of me. It will cause a fatal death!

How i wish this dark creature will be removed once and for all!

i struggle so much, to define who i really am. what my free will does to me, and how my will clash with His.
Pride is my weakness. Praises is my food to feed the dark creature. Approval is the way i live.

when will i humble and submit to Thee O Lord?

I could only pray. Let not the lips of men flourish me, but only Yours will keep me going!

we are by nature object of God’s wrath

pilgrim — Thu, 13 Aug 2009 16:02:46 +0000

O poor sinners.

I thought I am smart, in fact I am not.

I thought I am able to do alot of great things, in fact I am unable.

I thought I am proud of my talents, in fact they frustrated me.

I thought I am good, in fact I am just a sinner.

A worthless sinner that headed only to hell. Its destruction is eternal, therefore its punishment too.

But it is His Grace that He sent Jesus to come, and save all mankind. That grace… is unexplainable. And because of that perfect sacrifice, I gain the eternal life, instead of eternal condemnation. How gracious is that? No man can describe!

Yet, my nature… is still there. Everyday, I am fighting against it. This sin… is already corrupting my mind, my action and my thoughts. Everything I do, is suppose to be worthless. But the Lord has made it good. Because of His Grace.

What can I say? What can I do? Nothing to pay back for what He has done on that cross! I can only obey and love Him more and more. I can only stand in awe. I can only worship Him. I can only say Thank You Lord!

Your Grace….. undescribably beautiful.

Sufficient.

death is all around

pilgrim — Tue, 30 Jun 2009 05:20:32 +0000

I guess this is not the question about you like it or not, but an unavoidable one. Death. A fullstop of your life on this earth. It happens everyday, all around me. From men, to creatures, to plants. This year, I have experienced it and it is always a constant reminder for me, to live this life to the fullest. Yet, I know I am uncapable. Often tempted and often fall.

I can only thank God for His ever grace that keep me going and breathing until today. I know I am unworthy.For I am sinful by nature. In a lot of things, I am definitely nothing. I can only give thanks and serve You for who I am.

The death of my childhood star, is another reminder to the world. What good will it be for a man if he gains the whole world, yet forfeits his soul? Or what can a man give in exchange for his soul? – Matt 16:26. His death is indeed a tragic. He lost his soul because of fame and the world’s appreciation. Even his death cause hatred to those who hated him. It’s a “No Mercy” for this fallen star.

We are but sinners, trying to reach to the highest point of our life. Without You, our life is in vain.

destiny

pilgrim — Thu, 16 Apr 2009 17:05:33 +0000

2 days before Easter 2009, a close fren passed away due to the attack of the SLE virus. 23, at a very young age. the funeral is indeed hearbroken. all i can see is her body, lying behind the glass, and wake up no more. what more tearing is the style of the funeral. yet, i know that her soul is safe in His hands… i thank You my Father, for letting me to have this chance to know such an amazing sister. i trully learnt alot through her. her view of life and death.

period.

then it comes a time where my heart is once again challenged. indeed, the love i pledge is forever You, my Lord. i am worried, indeed i am. for the heart is yet close and You are not known in the heart. if i fell and replace this throne for earthly belonging, trully i will regret and suffer the pain. but how O Lord, my heart is weak, and my conscience is easily distracted…

I could only pray for Your conviction, and ur perfect timing. maybe, it isn’t the one yet so far…

fallen generation

pilgrim — Tue, 20 Jan 2009 00:28:04 +0000

everytime when i flip thru the newspaper, my heart is teared apart. the subjects of crime are yet but a child. but the sin they commited is unbelievable. from murder to adultery, it seems the age group is getting younger. this has become a worldwide problem. not only that, it even happens in a small city like here.

O Lord, surely Your heart is broken, and surely You have cried for this fallen world. What has happen to our young people? Their soul is lost and their mind is corrupted. What is wrong and what is right, they do not know. Only pleasure they seek from this temporary world. Lord, please have mercy on em. For what they do, they do not know. I pray that this generation and the generation to come, that this young soul will be save and convicted. They will love Your decree. They will worship You, and only You in their heart.

Save O Lord. Set em free. Set me free.

a new Chapter

pilgrim — Mon, 05 Jan 2009 03:07:01 +0000

Give thanks to the Holy One, for He is magnificent.
The Lord is full of wisdom, for what He plan, He fulfilled.
By counting the blessing back in 2008, i trully acknowledge and appreciate for what He had done. Just a step of faith and be obedient, He will show the way. At first, i do not understand, but in the end, all is strokes had create a beautiful piece of art. now mom has come for sunday worship.

in this new chapter, i began to explore my talent. i manage to share with a brother and he challenged me to become an intercessor. something that i never try before. maybe i have this gift that i never know. but i will, try my best to commit in prayers and be sensitive to the ppl and environment around me, and pray for em.

all in all, i pray for another significant year to glorigy Him

the gift of God

pilgrim — Fri, 26 Dec 2008 03:06:53 +0000

25th December is always a joyous reminder. Eventhough the birthdate of Jesus is unclear, but definitely He has chose to come into His creation, to redeem us from the chain of sin. The grace is really unimaginable. Something that is extravagent that a limited mind will not comprehend. Just to think about if i transform myself into an “ant” and save the “ant”.. it sounds so scary for i will lose all my ability. Yet God come out of love and obedient, and offer us this gift of eternal life. The willingness to die on that cross. The perfect lamb. The One that die for all mankind!

Christmas isn’t Christmas til it happens in your heart….

home coming

pilgrim — Mon, 22 Dec 2008 05:37:19 +0000

19 Dec 2008, 1610. God called her home. It was raining heavily. Dad called and we rush back from office to her house. Grandad, mom and dad and Tina were there. Everyone is crying. Grandma passed away peacefully. With her eyes closed, it is as if she is sleeping. Indeed she is. she has a very beautiful smile on her face. and everyone is amazed by that. she is with God now. and a better place where there is no pain, no tears and no sickness.

The funeral is a God glorifying moment. it is a moment to rejoice. the time is 1330, 21 Dec 2008, Sunday. Everyone is there. It includes my family who havent get to know Christ. and i believe God has use this funeral to speak to em. The Seed is planted in such an amazing way.

Far more than that, brothers and sisters from the eng service are there. i really thank God for them. their presence really encourage and strengthen me. and they have make the funeral service a really significant moment for my family! and i also thank God for that special person. tears of joy started to roll when i saw him standing afar from the crowd, and touched by his short encouragement “Be strong”.

mom is realeased from the pain. definitely she missed her so much. but the whole process is just… beautiful. and now her body is lying on a green pasture. but her soul, rest assured in Him. See you later grandma! i will live my life fully for Him!

21 September- grandma is attacked by stroke.
21 October- grandma accepted Christ.
6 December- grandma baptized
7 December- grandma’s first and last Holy Communion
19 December- grandma went Home
21 December- grandma’s funeral.